#83 Gender Equality at Home (Part 2)

Why is the concept is required when we know both parties are in agreement to the dire need of change?

Last week, we dissected why women are breaking home barriers and why men are also taking a step to choose what kind of life they want to live. ‘Ki & Ka’ movie could be the exaggeration but the thought is in line and has been there for a while in men’s world too.

To my surprise more than the couple, society doesn’t approve of this role switch (if at all this happens), men are questioned on being in the kitchen or at home all day which somewhat discourages more men to make the choice of being at home and nurture their kids. Ask a father, what does he miss the most? He misses the quality time that he couldn’t spend with his kids due to work and the pain for a working women is similar but they are often looked down upon for leaving their kids and progressing their careers.

Yesterday, I happened to watch a short movie on Zee5 platform ‘ Ishq- e - Nadaan’, where an eligible bachelor is getting rejected because he wants to be aways from the career growth obsession and be a house husband. While he was sharing the same feeling with a girl, she said who would like to marry a guy who wants to be at home and just cook. I was in awe of the guy but felt that it’s not just a man who can choose to reverse the roles. It takes the couple to decide and stand by each other when they plan to switch their work roles or try to manage them together. Another irony that rules around our society, few famous chefs (Sanjeev Kapoor, Kunal Arora) and designers (read tailors) like Manish Malhotra are male and some women are ruling the business world. Do you think it has been easy for them to start and grow until they became big enough to conquer the entire world? No, for them cooking, tailoring was their passion and something that they started by being house husbands. So, if you are thinking what would society say, shun that thought from your mind, because society is nothing but just a ball of convenience who keeps changing their faces, facts and rules to be at the winning side always.

Now, a million dollar question, what it takes to be actually survive in the gender equality roles! House husband might be the mature stage of this concept, but lets now be in realistic and growth phase of the concept where males equally share home responsibilities and respect women’s time and efforts. Is it easy as women? No, and these are some tips for you to ace in this role:

1. Talk through your partners and help them learn: Remember, as women we are wired to do house chores and we learn them from our mothers and that hasn’t been the case for them. So be compassionate and stick by them until they learn and reach a inter level to perform certain jobs. (That might look handholding in short term and your urge to do it yourself kicks in, but trust me, sacrifce this short term urge for long term gains :P)

2. Give them an upper hand: Make it all about them! Let them choose where they want to pitch in and how and be flexible with their choices and selection. Because like you, they will also work for something that make them feel happy and satisfied at the end of the day!

3. Let them make mistakes: You aren’t perfect either and when you picked up some things, even you made blunders. Keep the age figure aside, and just treat them as a new business being developed and anyone can make mistakes

4. Don’t assume those boundaries be rigid: As women, we get pissed when we are not in mood or position to perform any taks but still have to do it coz, ‘that’s our job’. Don’t repeat the same culture within your home. Nothing is ‘your job’ rather it’s ‘our job’ at the end of the day. Be flexible and take up some of their tasks if required rather than saying mange it yourself.

5. Support & Stand By: Realize that helping you with home chores is their choice and a step towards equality against the usual norm. So, be their supporter and cover their back in case they are in some weird situation or surrounded by some societal thoughts. Don’t let them face it all alone.

6. Communicate: Share your thoughts with them, talk about how this make them feel and what they love about it or hate about it, how you both plan to improve further. Also, express your gratitude and happiness that they provide when they take up a part of your chores.

   Some of you would be thinking that at one side I am provoking you to move towards gender equality and on the other side also expressing the gratitude for their ‘extra’ help that they chose to do. Well, truth be told, current society looks that as a breaking norm and we all will take a while to make it common and secondly this compassion will make your bond stronger and more acceptable to both indiviudals involved. Don’t trust me, try it for self.

---

You know my friend told me that, sometimes she used to leave some small takss pending for her partner to notice. Could be as obvious as some clothes not folded. Why did she do that? One to check on how her partner reacted to the mess and second to see his next stp, whetehr he would fold them all and keep them inside or just blabber asking ‘why they haven’t been folded yet?’ Did that help? Yes and she said that such incidents also make him feel that there are many small peripheral tasks they often ignore because they are done by her. This strategy also helped her partner notice some small tasks where he can also contribute to ease out. You might say it’s a few minutes job, indeed it is but that few minutes job inculcated a strong feeling to help and contribute (which in my opinion is priceless). We often fail to acknowledge the efforts until we put them ourselves.

As last part to today’s blog, let’s address some of common notions and thoughts shared by my community:

1. Women won’t appreciate the arrangement for long because they would like to be at home after a period of time and they wont be able to as they would be bread- winners for the family

2. No matter, how much men think that would chill at home and do just house chores, sometime later their ego will kick in and we all would be back to square one

3. As roles become reverse or come at same level, women would be as aggressive as men are today being the financial contributor to the home (I find it bit funny tbh!)

4. Men will be bored and scared atimes with the thought of being at home. How would they make impromptu evening plans now or say they are busy :P (Imagine how women today feels being at home, Lol)

5. Right now, a woman feels like being a part of man’s success.Now, both are equally working at home or professionally would crop up more conflicts than respect

6. Marriages won’t last long! What about compromise, adjustment and sacrifice a woman makes in the relationship? (Well, are you saying that women at home is the only way to sustain a successful marriage?)

My two cents on the concept and reactions: This arrangement would be a joint decision of the couple and not all couples are forced to be in this arrangement. So, again to each his/ her own way, it depends what tuning two folks want to make in their relationship. This might be a breather concept for all working women who aspire to have a successful professional career alongside a healthy personal life. That understanding that women can do it all is what we are moving towards and indeed is a reasonable ask for them.

As far as financial matters and marriage related comments are concerned, while I haven’t yet faced any of them but I think when two people grow together, the love spurs and make them in awe of each other more than the differences they have. There is not set formula for how financial matters and relationship rule to be driven, for sure not the society way. Society is there to resist and refrain from change and if you are one who believes in what you do, either ignore what they say or just move to a better place where this concept isn’t a concern or folks aren’t judgy much! (I have been told that be home and just chill your life initially at your dad’s money and then your husband’s money like 15 others in my family, But i choose to break that barrier a bit hard and trying to be unstoppable. Just because my society doesn’t approve, no where mean that you can’t do that. I know this society will be the first one to claim credit when you grow and become big enough for them just like our chefs and other path breaking celebrities)

Leaving you guys with a sweet blog on similar lines by HBR: Article on the Concept by HBR