#74 Building Long-Term Relationships
Does the frequency of your call or meets decide how good your relationship are with the people?
Remember the school days when right after school is over, we all used to head home as fast as possible and open our Facebook accounts on our desktops? And after a nap or some homework completion, we used to get on to call our friends with our landline phone at home, our parents shouting from behind that what conversations you guys do which can’t be completed within school hours. (I can’t stop smiling reminiscing those days as I write these lines).
You too are smiling right? Well, What’s the context you may ask now?
Before I get there, I wanna say that this is not just for our school friends but any friends we have made during our life till now.
An obvious follow-up question now, what happened to the call frequency? From daily to weekly to monthly to once in a while or maybe just life updates or birthday wishes? Have your calls been compensated by the chats these days?
While you think of your frequency right now, let me detail mine. Eventually, we all got caught up in work, and other life events that these calls and conversations started fading away. But the key question stands: how to ensure we maintain these relationships and balance them during our lives?
I think my friends got divided into multiple sub-groups:
Some folks whom we update regularly on key events or anything unexpected happened: 2-3 in volume but mostly in-check through chats
Some folks whom we don’t chat often but instead call each other whenever we feel like: 4-5 in volume, you pick up your conversation as you left and talk about your life events or a crazy topic in mind
Some folks who disappear and re-appear in your life (not in a toxic way but for good): 2-3 in volume and essentially crackheads who focus on their life, work and live a simple introverted life but magically appear when you need them the most and help you through.
Some folks who just call you in need (again not in a selfish way): It’s the comfort they have drawn from you and whenever they are in trouble or you are in trouble you think of each other and pick your phone to call.
What’s the difference between the last two groups? The last group is a bit wider in number and pertains to more professional requirements, somewhat like a good connection created through the network you belong to. You help and guide with a positive spirit and remain humble owing to the past bond and time you have shared with them. While the third group is a small volume of those folks with whom you talk about anything and everything under the sun without any filter.
Did you notice that I had to put some caveats as I was talking about my friend subgroups? Do you sometimes also feel shy to give a call back to these friends because it has been a long time since you have connected with them and maybe work is a reason that you are planning to reconnect? Does that sound bit transactional in your head?
Well, let’s debug this mystery first and then also talk about how to build and maintain long-term, well-managed and kept relationships with your close friends.
If you have shared a good bond while you were in regular touch and you have always received and parcelled some positive vibes on every meet-up, then I think there is nothing transactional in nature. There is no way that you can remain connected via calls or text on a set frequency, so don’t set that bar for anyone to meet. This inhibition is natural to have when there is a good gap in your conversation but if the vibes are still positive, then all is well.
Maybe you should consider asking the below three questions in case you face the above dilemma:
Was our last chat/ call or meeting positive and happy?
Does he seem to be in a decent state of mind from a life or work perspective? (maybe do a cursory check through social media)
Am I comfortable speaking or addressing the elephant in the house in front of him/her? (sometimes, you know someone can help but you are not ready to talk about your concern which makes the conversation odd or messy)
If you get a Yes from all the above three questions, then keep your confusion at bay and drop them a text and set up a call.
Onto the main question now: How to maintain these relationships for long-term sustenance?
I may have not cracked it all, but I have a set of friends and mentors that stand resolutely behind me whenever I need them. One effort that I always make from my side for mentors is to keep them in the loop for my professional updates and seek their guidance from time to time. This makes it easy for me to connect back whenever I need them without that inhibition consuming my mind space. Below are some of my measures to keep my buddies intact:
Set the expectations right: Understand that you can’t always be there for them and vice versa as we all got some stuff to do. So, don’t get sad if they miss your call or forget to revert to your text. Instead, send them a happy message and a reminder that ‘you are here if they want to speak’ coz you never know, they might need you more than you need them.
Ensure to revert within a set timeline: This again goes both ways, don’t leave them hanging in between. If you are busy, state that with a timeline on when will they call back or be available to talk. Also, ensure that you update them and work around those timelines.
Sharing memes and relatable content: Thanks to social media which has made our lives easier to connect with a large set of people at the same time, Keep sending your loved ones, some memes or tag them in a relatable post just for fun and also to convey that ‘you are thinking of them’
Keep them posted about your major personal and professional life events: Always include your close group with your life updates, both good and bad so that they know your whereabouts without being in touch with you. Putting up stories or statuses on social media is also an easy way to keep them posted but in case you are not a social media person, then a WhatsApp text would be good for this tip.
Don’t let that feeling of formality kick in: Get comfortable and make them comfortable in your company and try to keep the conversations informal. Don’t let that ‘have tos’ or ‘shoulds’ come in the way of your bonding. Keep it straight and casual just the way you would prefer from their side. Reciprocate properly to their behavior and point out if you feel something is off.
Don’t be ideal or a people pleaser: Everyone is bound to make mistakes and you can have differences in your opinions. Having a close friend nowhere means that you have to agree to everything others say or do, talk your heart out and speak if you don’t approve or align with them. Have discussions, arguments and conversations but just let anything break the trust, faith and respect that you both share as a bond strength.
Having said all of this, there are people whom you might lose on your way ahead but your closed ones and loved ones will always be there for you.
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” - Dale Carnegie
“Stop wearing that mask that is trying to be a match for everybody, and realise that you have to have more of a 1s and 10s model. A 1s and 10s model means that if you want to be a 10 for somebody you have to risk being a 1 for somebody else. You wanna express who you really are.”- Steve Pavlina